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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30085377">It's what you do to me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaelGalant/pseuds/MaelGalant'>MaelGalant</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Crumbs of hope [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Minecraft (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Fluff and Smut, First Time Blow Jobs, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:48:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,140</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30085377</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaelGalant/pseuds/MaelGalant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>There's shame when Clay think about his six month crush on George, and all the mixed signals that leave him exausted, not knowing if there's hope, or if a confession would lead to the end of their friendship.</p><p>There's shame when Clay think about his valentine's night with Nick, and all the kisses and hickies that leave him confused, not knowing if the straight man really want to be his boyfriend, or if it was just a mistake caused by wine and loneliness. </p><p>But at least, he's not alone to deal with all of this.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clay | Dream/Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Crumbs of hope [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2213541</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>98</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It's what you do to me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>English is not my native langage, so sorry if my grammar leaves something to be desired.</p><p>Even if the characters and scenes are inspired by real peoples or events, this is entirely a work of fiction. Seriously, I'm not even interested in the sex life of these people, it just happen that their dynamic and personnality are a really good fit for a lot of tropes that I love to write.</p><p>Dream, George, Sapnap, if you ever read this story, hope it'll make you laugh! If not, I'll be happy to delete this fanfic the moment you ask.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clay didn’t sleep. It would be impossible with all these parasitic thoughts spinning inside his skull, louder than ever. So he waited as the sun was slowly getting brighter through the curtains. Waited as the world outside came to life with the sound of traffic. Waited as the light exposed Nick’s body against him, half-naked and covered with hickeys, slightly snoring because he had fallen asleep on his stomach and was restraining his lungs. Nick that was, last time he heard, totally straight, but who had prepared the sweetest of valentine’s supper after learning that Clay was a closeted bisexual, only to see both of them kissing all night long like the horniest of teenagers. Nick again, that had been so incredible to him the moment they started to live together, calming his doubts one after the other, as if life was way easier than it had seemed, as if happiness was way more accessible that he would have thought… But even then, Clay couldn’t believe it, and it was eating him alive.</p><p>It took him two hours before losing his fragile patience, slowly extricating himself from bed without waking the sleeping man beside him. He knew how to do it by now, it wasn’t the first time they slept together after all, albeit it was the first time their platonic habit had changed for… whatever this was. Clay didn’t want to think about it. Nick had talked about becoming boyfriends last evening, but they had a bottle of wine in the system at that time, so surely it wasn’t serious. It couldn’t be. Nick was straight, and would probably not want to see Clay’s face first thing in the morning after remembering what happened. And if by some miracle he would be disappointed to wake up alone, Clay could always use their work to justify his absence… like an unusual morning stream. That could do it, he recently released his first ever song on Youtube last week, and a manhunt video the day after, so it was the best time to do an improvised Q&amp;A on Twitch without being suspicious. Talking to his fans about anything other than his existential love crisis could only be good for his scattered mind anyway. </p><p>As he expected, the distraction worked like a charm, especially after putting up the hood of his hoodie to better hide the hickeys on his neck. Sure, nobody could see them anyway, it’s not like he would ever open his webcam before an official face reveal, after all. But just seeing them briefly reflected on his monitors had been enough to make him self-conscious. Fortunately, even the strain of his bruised skin dissipated out of his mind as his viewers were bombarding him with questions about the creation of Roadtrip, the possible candidates for the fifth hunter, or the recents events on Dream SMP. This was familiar territory. This he could control. </p><p>He was one hour into the stream when George hopped in their Discord’s voice chat, because of course he would, it was the middle of the afternoon in his time zone. On another day, Clay would have beamed at the sound of his voice, even as the Brit was mocking him for the slow pace of his Minecraft run. But with his skin burning under Nick’s marks, with his mind heavy by so many secrets he couldn’t even mutter, with his body cold from the fear of losing his best friends, he just couldn’t muster the courage to discuss with him. Once again, reading and responding to the donations offered him the perfect alibi to limit their exchange, and he exploited that until inevitably, it turned against him. </p><p>- “I can’t believe George denied you…”</p><p>Oh yeah, George’s last stream on Dream SMP. To be honest, Clay was rather proud of that one. He knew that the chat would go crazy if he asked the man to be his valentine, even if he already had plans with Sapnap off-screen because he knew George would respond by the negative anyway. It was a dance they played for a long time now, because it was funny, because it pleased the crowd. Not at all because it was the only way Clay could test the water without outing himself to his friend and risk losing him because of a disgusting crush he couldn’t control, whatever he tried. </p><p>But it was getting easier these past weeks. Because of Nick, because of his warm hugs, and gentle smile, and reassuring words that he would always be by his side no matter his sexuality and choices. So yeah, Clay was really proud of his exaggerated reaction when George refused to be his valentine, because not only it had been hilarious and clipped everywhere, but because it hadn’t stung his heart like all the other times he was reminded that the man was off limits. So he continued with the same energy, hitting his desk with an exasperated huff that immediately made George chuckle.</p><p>- George, alright listen, you have to at least explain your reasoning to me. I just asked to be your valentine...<br/>
- You didn’t mean it.<br/>
- Why not? It was one hundred percent not a joke, I swear!<br/>
- Okay, then what would’ve happened?<br/>
- … Nothing. You would have got the valentine’s title, that’s it.</p><p>It was a stream, they were supposed to joke, so why was George’s tone so serious, as if he had been insulted? And why was Clay responding like he was walking on eggshell, measuring his words so as to not scare away his friend? The veneer wasn’t supposed to crack, wasn’t supposed to expose what took so much effort to hide. But it wasn’t the first time he slipped because of a sign that, maybe, George was like him, probing delicately at every fissure in the hope of finding little crumbs of hope…  </p><p>- Maybe next year.</p><p>It was said so prudently, but it felt like a knife in the guts. So Dream hastily jumped on the next donation, something about book recommendations or whatever, and the subject of valentine’s day never came back until the end of the stream, half an hour later. Which meant that under the surface of pleasantly responding to his fans' questions, Clay spent the next thirty minutes analyzing George’s last words, his leg shaking nervously to spend the adrenaline menacing to transform into an anxiety attack. </p><p>Was it a concession because George was getting annoyed? Was it a promesse, a quiet plea to let him more time to come to terms with his own feelings and insecurities? Was it a warning to never go into the romantic aspect of the term valentine and strictly stay in the realm of controlled jokes, or else there would be consequences on their friendship?</p><p>Fuck, will Nick still be around to be his date next year? Nick that cooked for him, lit candles, even put on a white shirt and long black pants to look as if he was taking him to a chic restaurant. Nick that kissed him with so much passion, and love, and hunger, and tenderness, and possessivity, and affection. Nick that was probably still sleeping in the bed that they shared for weeks now, shoulders and neck marked as if he belonged to him… Clay knew he could be a bastard, sometimes, but now he really outdid himself. Pinning hard on a friend who he was almost sure wasn’t interested, just a handful of hours after kissing senselessly his straight roommate… Fuck, he was so disgusting that he was making himself sick, and even more so as he was hiding all of this from his fans with so much ease, like the manipulative asshole every haters were accusing him to be. A sigh escaped his lips after he finally put an end to the stream, and he immediately cursed himself in silence when he remembered that George could hear it, still connected on their voice call.</p><p>- You okay?<br/>
- Yeah, didn’t sleep much…<br/>
- Ooooh, Dream! I didn’t know you found yourself a girl for valentine’s day, kinky boy!<br/>
- Shut up, you know I didn’t. I just… had a lot to think about, I guess. Like Tommy’s visit in prison next week. And all the shit going down with John Swann… </p><p>It was a pretty credible lie, because of course the moment a scandal would quiet down, another would take its place. At least it wasn’t as infuriating as the speerunning one, since it wouldn’t take away something dear to his heart. Worst case scenario, Swann would tarnish his image a little bit if Clay wasn’t able to show concrete proof of his innocence, but he had plenty of those already so there was a good chance the balance would tip in his favor. If not, well, lots of people were already hating him on the simple fact that he had a popular youtube channel, so a little more or less wouldn’t really affect him since his friends were already supporting him. He just didn’t talk about it to Nick, or at least, not as much as George. The Brit was great at hyping him when he was riled up against something, and so was Nick when he was living in Texas. But now that they shared the same house, the man had taken another role, one that Clay didn’t know he needed until he got it : someone to calm him, ground him, make him feel safe. So how could he have the heart to bring some internet drama into this relationship, when it was so much better to just push his irritations aside and snuggle into warm arms until he’s lulled by the sound of Nick’s soft singing?</p><p>- You’ve finished collecting all the evidence?<br/>
- Yeah, gotta expose them on stream tomorrow. I even got a detective skin and some background music to push the entertainment to the max.<br/>
- I can already imagine the humiliation, you’ll annihilate him!</p><p>They chatted a little bit more, but Clay quickly put an end to it, pretending that he needed to cook something since it was already noon. The truth is, there was already enough leftovers in the fridge to eat for two other days, and since he forgot to eat breakfast anyway and had his stomach in a knot, he would probably be better off with a bowl of cereal or something. But again, everything to hide the fact that he couldn’t talk much longer with George without feeling the shame and guilt gnawing at his soul. </p><p>He hadn’t planned for Nick to be up before at least two other hours, maybe even more. Seeing him sitting at their table in nothing more than his boxer brief, constellation of purple bruises on his shoulders and red hot scratches all over his back, slapped him with the force of a moving train. He wasn’t ready for this discussion, wasn’t ready to hear his best friend confirming that yesterday had been a terrible mistake and that he would pack his things back to Texas this instant. But once again, Nick surprised him, because of course he would, smiling softly like that situation was totally normal. </p><p>- You got dark circles, dude. Did you even sleep?<br/>
- Not… not really, no.<br/>
- Wanna talk about it?</p><p>And so they did. About what happened yesterday. About Clay’s fear of losing his friendship, of coming out to anyone other than him. About Nick's recent discovery of being panromantic, and still wanting to be his boyfriend. And of course Clay’s started to cry, because even with Nick giving him everything that he always wanted and needed, he wasn’t able to confesse about the stupid part of his brain, the one that wasn’t able to let go of his hopes for George, and he hated himself so much for it. But he was good at hiding, good at focusing on littles things like Nick calling him babe, Nick saying that he loved him, Nick kissing him again and again until he could forget and pretend that everything would be alright.</p><p>As the night came again, with the man tucked beside him under the sheets, arms and feets tangled in an embrace, Clay still couldn’t sleep. And of course, Nick saw it the moment his eyelids fluttered open with the morning light, propping himself on his elbow to better face him with worry. So Clay lied through his teeth once again, bringing the John Swann’s scandal as an excuse because he just couldn’t think of anything else to save his skin, and feeling even more deplorable by doing so. Especially when Nick kissed his cheek so delicately while giving him words of encouragement, and fuck, they were boyfriends for less than two days, and Clay already didn’t deserved him. So he locked himself in his computer room, asking to not be disturbed even if the stream was in a couple of hours because he needed to concentrate, and ended up just sitting on his spinning chair, leg hopping nervously and fingers fiddling with his cell phone because that’s the first thing that ended in his hands. </p><p>The parasitic thoughts were eating him alive, tumbling in an incomprehensible mess like radio’s static, filling his skull to the point social medias were not even able to distract him out of his brain. Maybe he was slightly hyperventilating. Maybe he needed help. His eyes fell on his cell phone, his thumb moved on the touchscreen. Five rings pierced the silence of the room before suddenly, someone responded, and Clay almost hung up in panic as his mother’s voice filled the air. He didn’t think about what he was doing. He shouldn’t have called.</p><p>- Clay? Hello! It’s been a week since your last call, I was missing you! How are you doing?<br/>
- Hey, mom…<br/>
- Oh, sweetheart, what’s wrong, are you alright? You sound awful, are you still sick?<br/>
- I’m fine, I…<br/>
- You’re my son, don’t try to lie to me. Is it about that Swann boy? Your sister told me there was some drama about him on Twitter the other day, and I know how stressed you can become when you’re under pressure like that.<br/>
- No, that’s not…<br/>
- Did you have a fight with Nick, then? You were so happy when you told me he decided to stay after his first month trial, did something happen?<br/>
- I… I guess so? But it’s nothing bad, it just…<br/>
- You wouldn’t be in that state if it was the case, Clay, I know you, you’re my strong young man. You can tell me everything, right? I just wanna help.<br/>
- I know, it’s nothing against you, it’s just my head, it… it makes everything so complicated…<br/>
- That’s okay, sweetheart. Take a good breath and try to start from the beginning, there’s no hurry.<br/>
- Before that, can you… Can you promise me you’ll tell nothing to anyone? Like, not even the family, just keeping that to you and me?<br/>
- I thought it was just a little quarrel with your friend, is it that bad?<br/>
- That’s not… Can you just promise?<br/>
- If you think that’s important, of course I can, sweetheart! So what happened with Nick, is he alright?<br/>
- He’s… Mom, he’s… He’s my boyfriend. Since yesterday.</p><p>There it was. The terrible silence at the other end of the call, with all its uncertainties and no ways of going back. The world was spinning around him, but maybe it was his eyes blurred by the threat of tears, or his brain lacking in oxygen because of his swollen throat. It was the worst, he hated it, and he regretted every decision that led him to this.</p><p>- Oh, Clay...</p><p>It was too painful, hearing his name said in that fragile tone by its own mother. It overflowed out of his eyes, flooded his cheeks, and continued to drip no matter how he wiped his face with his free hand. As if all the water wanted to leave its body to plunge it into drought, his lungs burning, his brain in flame. </p><p>- I’m bisexual, mom. I’m… I’m so sorry… </p><p>He shouldn’t have opened his mouth, because it released the sobbings. They were so loud that he almost couldn’t hear his mother’s voice anymore, but he couldn’t stop them, and it was so humiliating that he hoped Nick wouldn't hear a thing outside his door.</p><p>- No, Clay, no, don’t say that, you did nothing wrong sweetheart! I just… Were you that stressed out because you were afraid to tell me?<br/>
- That’s… That’s part of it…<br/>
- Oh, my poor baby, I’m the one who should apologize. I should have never let you feel that you couldn’t be safe with us. You know I love you, I’ll always love you.<br/>
- So you… you don’t mind?<br/>
- Of course not! Nick is such a good boy and you know each other for so long, I’m so proud and happy for both of you. </p><p>It’s like the sudden relief opened the valves even more, as ridiculous as it was, and Clay ended up crying his heart out, which in return made him hiccup a laugh through the tears. His mother was almost in the same state, he could hear the tremble in her voice as she was trying to hold back her emotions, and was failing miserably at that attempt. </p><p>- My sweet boy, how I’d love to hold you in my arms right now. I know we are still in quarantine, but how about you and Nick come for supper this weekend? We all miss you so much.<br/>
- I don’t know, mom, I… I don’t think I’m ready for others to learn that… you know.<br/>
- Are you sure? We are your family, Clay, you know we’ll always support you. I’m sure your sister will be ecstatic to hear about the news!<br/>
- Yeah, that’s kinda what I’m afraid of. The minute I’ll tell her, it’ll be everywhere on the internet. I’m not… I’m not ready for that.<br/>
- Ah, it’s true that she can be a little over excited sometimes. But it’s because she’s so proud of her big brother, you know that.<br/>
- Yeah, yeah, it’s just… I think I need time to process everything first? It’s so new, and… maybe I’m thinking too much and trying to rationalize everything…<br/>
- Oh, sweetheart, how many times did I tell you that’s only gonna make you miserable? You were always an emotional child, you’re only gonna hurt yourself if you keep all these thoughts inside your brain.<br/>
- But what if… what if letting them out can make you lose everything? Like, what if you’re really in love with someone, and they’re really good to you, but at the same time you just can’t… forget someone? And if both of them learn about it, it’s like betraying their trust, and…<br/>
- Clay, don’t tell me you’re still thinking about that girl? It’s been a year since you broke up with her, you even told me this summer that you’ve moved on.<br/>
- No, mom, I’m not talking about my ex, it’s… someone else.<br/>
- Oh? Do I know them?<br/>
- Hum… You can say that, I guess? How can I… Do you remember, like… I think it was in Avril? You receive a text from, uh, a friend pretending to be my boyfriend…<br/>
- Of course I remember George, you talk about him all the time! But I don’t understand, you told me it was a joke back then, right?<br/>
- It was! We never…! He would never… Well, I don’t think he… </p><p>The silence fell, because saying it out loud was hurting so much every time. Fuck, he was so obvious. </p><p>- You’ve fallen hard for him, don’t you?<br/>
- … Yeah, and it’s the worst. He’s not… He’s not like Nick, comfortable with emotions and all, so I can’t… And it’s not just about our friendship, it’s literally our career that can be in danger if…<br/>
- Oh, my poor baby, don’t tell me that you’ve been keeping all this to yourself for almost a year?<br/>
- No, at that time I didn’t even know that I was… It’s more like… I guess it started this summer, maybe even before, but that’s when I realize that what I was feeling for George wasn’t totally… normal. And I mean, now my other best friend is suddenly my boyfriend, and I should be happy, I really want to be happy, and I am, but I can’t get these past six months out of my head, and it’s just… It’s not fair! It’s not fair for Nick, and it’s not fair for George, and…!<br/>
- Clay, calm down, calm down. Don’t forget to breathe, ok?</p><p>That he could do, counting silently the seconds between inhales and exhales, slowing the rhythm a little bit each time until he would go back to a steady respiration. And his mother waited for him, because there had to be one patient person in their crazy family, at least. Slowly, the static in his head dissipated, the thoughts clarified. His leg wasn’t jumping anymore. He still felt like trash, but at least, it was no longer overwhelming.</p><p>- Did you talk to Nick about it?<br/>
- What? No! Wh-why would I do that!<br/>
- I know you don’t want to hurt him, sweetheart, but keeping him in the dark will do so much worse. Believe me, if you explain everything the same way you did to me, it’ll be alright. It’s so evident how much you care about him when you talk, he would be deaf not to hear it.<br/>
- … Thanks, mom. I… I really needed to hear it. I’m just… I got to stream soon, but I’ll try to call before next week, okay? Love you.</p><p>His head fell back on his chair as he hung up, exhausted. He still had so much to do, but at least, there was a little weight taken off his shoulders. Enough so he could hype himself before his stream, reassembling the Discord's screenshots he needed to prove his point and revising his arguments before hopping on Twitch, to the general confusion of his fans not used to see him streaming two days in a row. </p><p>At last, when he could finally put this all behind him, the living room's couch welcomed his body as he collapsed face first on it, all his energy evaporated the moment he closed Twitch. This prompted a chuckle as Nick was already kneeled on the carpet, playing with Patches until the sudden movement made her run away in fright. Abandoning the cat rod, the man sat next to him on the floor, back against the couch so that his head would be leveled with Clay’s face. The way he took his hand to bring it tenderly to his lips made Clay whimper, too tired to brave the next discussion he needed to have, but knowing he couldn’t run away from it any longer. He needed to sleep so badly, take at least an afternoon nap to recover, and knew his head wouldn’t let him rest as long as he didn’t confess everything to Nick. And so he did, shaky voice muffled by exhaustion, face burrowed in the cushion because he was too much of a coward to look Nick in the eyes. Nick who never let go of his hand, listening in silence until Clay finally broke into tears again, so ashamed of himself when his friend deserved so much more. </p><p>- Hey, that’s okay. That’s okay. Here, let me… </p><p>Sound of ruffled clothes indicated that Nick was rising up from the floor, and soon his hands were delicately lifting Clay’s head so he could sit under it, soothing fingers in his blond hair. And even though he didn’t deserve it, Clay nested his face against Nick’s warm stomach, his hands grabbing the man’s t-shirt in the hope of never letting go. </p><p>- You know you already told me about George, right?<br/>
- Yeah, but it was before we got together, and now…<br/>
- What, you think I’ll be mad at you because there’s a chance you could date someone else next year?<br/>
- Not mad, but, like… I just… I don’t want you to think that you’re not good enough or something, because that’s not the case! Fuck, it’s been only two days and you’ve been incredible to me, and I just… if I truly loved you, then I shouldn’t still hope for George, right?<br/>
- Clay, I don’t mind that you still have some lingering crush for him. Or anyone else for that matter. Because at the end of the day, I’m the one you’ll snuggle in your arms and kiss goodnight. And even if… Okay, that’s gonna sound far fetched, but I wouldn’t be mad either if we go back to being best friends the moment George announces that he wants a piece of your ass.<br/>
- So you really think that's what I'm gonna do? Dump you the moment George be like "Hey, might not be totally straight either, guys!" I'm not... I'm not even sure if I truly wanna date him, because you showed me how I needed someone able to fucking comunicate, and give affection back, and I know it's not George case, I know it'll never be, and that's why it's so infuriating because there's no good reason for me to stay obsess like that and...!<br/>
- Hey, hey, that's okay Clay, give you some slack. We've been togheter for only two days, of course you can't expect to have already moved on. And I was not, like, accusing you of wanting to do so or not, it's just... I'm pretty sure I’m still straight even if I’m panromantic, and the thing is, we both really love sex. So I already know there's good chances our relationship would only be a passing thing until we find the right person, and that’s okay. It doesn’t have to be tragic or anything. It can still be nice and sweet for the time that it lasts, and as long as we stay friends at the end, I’ll be pretty satisfied, you know? And it doesn’t mean I love you less or whatever, but just… I don't know what the futur holds for us, so I just want both of us to be happy, even if we're a couple for one month, one year, or even more.<br/>
- But you’re not… scared? To end up alone while I find someone, or that I cheat on you, or...<br/>
- If there’s one person that I’m sure is not gonna cheat on me, it’s you. You already know how much it hurts when it happens, so I know you’ll never do it to anybody. So yeah, if one day you realize that your feelings for someone else are stronger than what you feel for me, I trust you to tell me about it before you do something stupid. So stop beating yourself for nothing when the only thing you did was looking at the menu without even biting at the food.<br/>
- … Wow, Nick, and you say I’m the one who’s bad with metaphor.</p><p>It was nice to giggle again like two idiots. Nice to feel sturdy hands ruffling his hair, feel a kiss against his temple. Feel his shame melting out of his cold body to be replaced with warm love again, making him gain the confidence to raise his head and pursue Nick’s lips, imprisoning them between his own. It had been only a fews hours since the last time, but he already missed it so much, and by the way his boyfriend circled his shoulders in a strong embrace, he wasn’t the only one. </p><p>- Hum… Talking about, uh, compatibility in sex… You’re like, really not interested in experimenting, or…<br/>
- Hey, if I recall our valentine’s night, I remember saying the total opposite. Who knows what can happen. I mean, I never thought I would love kissing a guy, and now look at me, deepthroating you with my tongue.<br/>
- Nick!<br/>
- What, don’t tell me it’s not the case!<br/>
- You’re so dumb, I can’t beleive it.<br/>
- But you still love meeeee.</p><p>Clay bit his neck in retaliation, but the playful act soon went down in another direction when Nick responded not with a yelp, but a shuddered moan that vibrated directly into the blond’s dick. Okay, so his boyfriend was definitely honest about his interest, good to know. That was one less thing to not constantly worry about, even if Clay already had the confirmation on their first date’s night, but he was stubbornly skeptical so yeah, no surprise he still needed to verify once and again. Just to be sure. Especially if he was rewarded with such delicious reactions.</p><p>- So, uh, how do you… wanna do it?<br/>
- I dunno? I’m not the bisexual one, I don’t know shit about gay sex, except maybe what we read in the fanfics, but they can’t be that realistic, right? Like, I don’t even know if we need to use condoms or not.<br/>
- Dude, of course we…! What, you think that the moment nobody’s in risk of getting pregnant, then STDs magically disappear?<br/>
- Oh, shut up, okay? It’s just that I always had protected sex in the past, so not like I’m a risk to you, right?<br/>
- … Nick, are you implying that you wanna do it raw with me?<br/>
- Well, I mean… if you’re okay with it?<br/>
- Ooooh, Panda, you kinky bastard! </p><p>In the end, they both took an appointment to be tested, because, well, Clay had kind of a rocky past, so better be too safe than sorry. And it’s not like they got really surprised when the results came back negative, but at least they were now one hundred percent sure that there would be no bad surprise down the road, and, well, let’s say that they both celebrated pretty quickly the moment they received the confirmation. As in, putting aside everything they were doing just to run to their bed while battling with each other clothes like their lives depended on it, because damn it, one week had passed since then, and all these innuendos, and hugs, and kisses, and hickeys, and dry humping had made them completely mad with lust by that point.</p><p>So yeah, by the time Clay started to think again, his hands were already taking down Nick’s boxer briefs and… Okay. There was a dick in front of him now, a dick that wasn’t his, closer than never before, and oh fuck he was so stupidly salivating just at that, how come it took him so much time to realize that he was bisexual?</p><p>- Nick, you’re huge!<br/>
- … You’re kidding me, right?<br/>
- Why the fuck would I… Did you see your girth!?<br/>
- Yeah… He’s just like me, a stumpy little dude.<br/>
- So that’s why he’s so beautiful.<br/>
- Oh, shut up.</p><p>Nick was hiding his embarrassment in the nook of Clay’s neck, and it was a shame because the blond was totally honest in his amazement, incapable of resisting the need to touch, fingertips delicately exploring this new discovery. How soft was the skin of his shaft. How it was bouncing with desire under the smallest of brushing. How Nick would huff against his shoulder, grip his waist in a silent beg for more, tremble when Clay would trail a finger under the length of his cock from the base to the top.</p><p>- Clay, please, stop teasing…<br/>
- Wasn’t my intention, sorry.</p><p>A sigh escaped Nick when Clay finally closed his fingers around him, starting in slow rhythm that made his boyfriend melt in his arm. But soon, it seemed that Nick realized the unbalance of the situation as his hands started to play with Clay’s boxer briefs with hesitation, before finally lowering the last cloth separating their bodies. Of course, Clay was hard, red and more than interested in the present situation, and Nick had pulled his face out of hiding to get a better look before putting his hands in use, fingers timidly exploring like Clay had done with him before… until both of them suddenly froze. </p><p>Nick was getting soft. Fuck. His face was almost white with panic, like he just did something wrong, but there was nothing to worry about, maybe it was just the stress. Yeah, Clay just needed to reassure him, show him that everything was alright. So he started to kiss him, first with little pecks on his lips to distract his mind, then some playful biting to ask for an opening. Finally, Nick responded and connected their tongues, but he was still so hesitant, his body so tense and… and between Clay’s fingers, becoming even more flaccid by the seconds whatever care or attention the blond was giving him. </p><p>They broke the kiss the moment Clay realized that Nick’s cheeks were suddenly damp with tears, his hands promptly going back up to pet his boyfriend’s hair, whispering apologies with a throat tight with remorse. They had been too fast, it was his fault, he shouldn’t have… Nick’s hands were now gripping his shoulders, and at least he didn’t seem disgusted by Clay to the point of pushing him away, but… It was bad, it was so bad, they had been so stupid to try this, what had they been thinking?</p><p>- I’m so sorry, I just… I really wanna do it, I swear, but it… It doesn’t want to listen, I don’t…<br/>
- Hey, that’s okay, Panda, that’s okay, it’s not your fault, you know that, right? It’s not something you can choose.<br/>
- But it’s… it’s so unfair, I… I really love you, fuck, why can’t I…</p><p>It took some time, even if Nck wasn’t really a weeper like Clay. He didn’t even let out a single sob or anything, the water rolling silently into the pillows and Clay’s chest until he wiped his face in frustration, and it turned out to be enough for drying his puffy eyes. No, what took time was for both of them to regain their composure, to be able to talk again as the shame and worries were clogging their throats. So they just stayed in each other's arms, too afraid to let go. When Clay moved to at least pull up the sheets over their waist, Nick had grabbed his arms so fiercely to the point of leaving bruises, panic in his eyes at the thought of being left alone. So the blond pulled him even closer to kiss his forehead, and eyebrows, and nose, and cheeks, and jaw, and every other inch of his face until the man would understand that he wasn’t leaving him, and finally loosen his grip on his biceps. </p><p>It took some time to calm their breathing. To release the tension in their shoulders. To enjoy nestling against each other, and not just using the contact to reassure themselves. Nick started to kiss him back so delicately, inching to his lips before finally sealing them together with one hand caressing lovingly Clay’s cheek. It was so tender that it took Clay some time to realise that Nick’s other hand was slowly going down his chest, caressing his stomach… enveloping Clay’s now softened sex to gently stroke it back to life.</p><p>- Wait, Nick, you don’t have to…<br/>
- Please. I wanna do it. Just, let me take control, okay?<br/>
- … Okay. </p><p>Nick was good. Knew how to slowly build the pleasure, how to keep a steady rhythm to make it last. Knew when applying a little bit more pressure to never let it slide too much into mechanical repetition. His stare was so focused on Clay’s reactions, memorizing what was making his breath hitch, his hands twitch against Nick’s ribs. It was so embarrassing to be analyzed like that, but at the same time, the fire in his boyfriend’s eyes was hypnotizing him, driving him slowly mad. Then Nick licked his own palm before pressing it on the tip of Clay’s dick, and oh fuck, okay, now pleasure was climbing high and fast as Clay had to muffled his moan into the man’s neck. </p><p>- Nick, I’m… I’m close…<br/>
- That’s okay. I’m here for you, come.</p><p>The soft whisper in his ear suffice to take him over the edge, and Clay bit Nick’s shoulder as he ejaculated into his boyfriend’s hands. By the time the blond came back from the high, the man had wiped himself with tissues and was now wrapping him in his arm, kissing the top of his head tenderly. Clay immediately imitated his embrace, nestling his face into the hairy torso to let his lips worship every inch of it. Everything to reassure himself, even if he could feel how Nick was still limp against his stomach. </p><p>- You know, babe, you could have warned me you hid a monster cock in your underwear…<br/>
- Oh, come on, I’m not even as thick as you.<br/>
- Maybe, but you’re long as fuck, don’t try to denie it.<br/>
- You’re talking as if I’m Danny D or something, relax. </p><p>It made them both giggle, of course, and Clay crawled back up so he could face Nick again, pecking his lips and caressing his back in soft circles. But still, the fear was gnawing back at him, and no way would he let it poison his mind much longer like it did at the start of their relationship.</p><p>- So… you’re not able to get hard because I make you self-conscious?<br/>
- Nah, it was just for the joke. I guess it would be the same no matter what size would be in front of me, so I think it’s more like, I can still be turned on even if your body is clearly masculine, but the moment I see another dick, my cock just… doesn’t respond anymore?<br/>
- I guess it makes sense. But even if we take turns to, like, masturbate each other, wouldn’t it be unfair for you? I mean, yeah, we would both climax and all, but it’s not like you would be turned on when you touch me, so…<br/>
- Yeah, but I… don’t really care? Just what I did right now, it wasn’t stimulating me sexually, sure, but fuck man, the way you just reacted when I touched you… It was beautiful, babe. Every second of it. And just, knowing that I’m the one that made you came, it… I dunno, made me realize how much I loved you? I know it’s cheesy as fuck, but… Maybe it’s just because in every relationship I’d been before, I always prefered to give more than receiving, so it’s not that different now?<br/>
- I think I can understand, yeah. It was the same to me with my ex-girlfriends.<br/>
- Isn’t there, like, a rule that says you should never talk about your past relationship with your current partner or whatever?<br/>
- I mean, if you’re scared to make the other jealous or insecure, maybe. Is it the case?<br/>
- Nah, just have to look into your beautiful green eyes and it’s soooo obvious you’re totally smitten by me.</p><p>Clay was still chuckling as Nick was capturing his lips into another kiss, way more passionate this time, until it let the blond panting and wanting more, nails digging in Nick’s waist and mind twirling with delicious scenarios that he could still experiment with his boyfriend despite their unique predicament. </p><p>- And, uh, what about blowjobs?<br/>
- I… I don’t think… I mean, stroking another penis it’s like, okay, I do the same with mine, but… Sorry babe, I know it’s limiting…<br/>
- No, no, that’s okay, I was more thinking about, you know, me giving you the favor?<br/>
- Oh! Yeah, I mean, I would love it, of course, but wouldn’t it be truly unfair then?<br/>
- As if I would not enjoy the fuck out of sucking your cock. You know that just thinking about it make me hard as fuck?<br/>
- What? But I just made you jizz all over my hands!<br/>
- Well, maybe I’m an insatiable little bitch. </p><p>It was intoxicating, to let his voice rumble like that while almost brushing their lips together, and see Nick’s eyes get suddenly dark with desire, hear his breath hiccup in surprise. </p><p>- Oh fuck… </p><p>Clay didn’t need more before tackling his boyfriend back against the mattress, climbing on top of him to better kiss a trail down his stomach, head disappearing under the sheets. An enthusiast shaft immediately slapped him under the chin in response to his attentions, and has Clay took him in hand… Wait, again? </p><p>- Okay, Nick, are you sure that you’re not…<br/>
- Fuck, I’m so sorry, its… It’s just the moment it touched your beard, I…<br/>
- It’s only stubble!<br/>
- Well, it scratches, okay! I’m not doing it on purpose!<br/>
- I know, I know…</p><p>Extricating his head back from the sheets, Clay could now clearly see Nick digging his palms into his eyes, face red with shame and frustration, but at least it was better than the tears and fears of the first time. So Clay crawled on his warm body to suck a little hickey just under his jaw, hoping it would get his boyfriend's attention out of his angered mind and back to him and his love. Sure, it would have been great to be able to do a little bit more togheter, but fuck, they were already so lucky to just be able to be a couple. They didn’t need anything else to be happy. Nick knew this, and slowly, let his guard down once more after a sigh, pulling Clay back to him so they could join their lips in another tender kiss.</p><p>- Dunno why, making me think back to our valentine’s day.<br/>
- Hm?<br/>
- Yeah, you shaved just before supper, remember? Your skin was so smooth, I just couldn’t look away.<br/>
- … Do you think it would help you with staying hard if I do it just before blowing you?<br/>
- No idea. Maybe?</p><p>As Clay suddenly jumped out of the bed to put back his underwear and run to the bathroom, Nick bellowed laughter echoed into the corridor long after the blond came back with the cleanest of faces. During his absence, the man had shifted position to sit down by the side of the bed, and Clay didn’t even wait to shove him back under the sheets as he just plopped to his knees in front of his boyfriend, taking him hungrily in mouth even before they could have time to think. It hitted them at the same, Nick’s limpness growing suddenly hard as the man gasped his surprise, hand gripping blond hair by reflexe, and Clay freezing on the spot by his sudden boldness and the fact that he had a cock between his lips for the first time in its life. Not a lot, only the tip of it, but still, it was a new sensation nonetheless. His nervousness made him unconsciously lick what he had in mouth, and as his tongue discovered the incredible softness of the skin and the musky taste of the slit at the top, Nick whined and shuddered under him. Okay, definitely doing that again then. </p><p>Soon enough, it wasn’t strange anymore to just bob his head up and down while taking care of covering his teeth, one hand gripping Nick’s thigh and the other wrapped at the base of his dick. But damn that he had a new respect for his ex girlfriends, because his jaw was burning, forcing him to pull off for some light kisses at the top of the shaft. By the time it wasn’t aching anymore, Clay was lapping the underside of Nick’s length with a flat tongue, loving the salty taste of the skin and how his boyfriend’s cock was heavy and throbbing against his face. But he knew it wouldn’t be enough to take Nick over the edge… and Clay always loved a good challenge. So he got back to take Nick’s in mouth, hollowing his cheeks to give even more suction and being rewarded by the man moaning weakly his name. But still, it wasn’t enough. He wanted to take more, knew he could take more, if he could just… </p><p>His gag reflex made him suddenly clenched his throat in a disgusting sound, and Nick’d hands suddenly pulled his hair to take his head away from him, expression white in worries when faced with Clay’s teary eyes. </p><p>- Fuck, are you okay?<br/>
- No! I wanted to take you all in, and...<br/>
- You don’t need to deepthroat me like a porn star when it’s your first time giving head, you know?<br/>
- Well, maybe I wanna be your personal porn star, ever thought about that?<br/>
- Damnit Clay, can you have some shame in your life!?</p><p>It was difficult to take him seriously when Nick was saying that with a laugh, bent in two so he could kiss the top of Clay’s head while petting his hair in a silent apology for the abuse. </p><p>- It’s not a competition, babe. You have nothing to prove, I swear to you, what you were doing was already so good…<br/>
- Maybe, but I don’t care. I wanna do better, so I’m gonna do better. </p><p>And just like that, he was pulling his discarded pants to him and taking his cellphone out of his pocket, quickly typing an internet research to the surprise, then hilarity, of his boyfriend. </p><p>- Don’t tell me you’re actually doing research right now to get it right. Please.<br/>
- You know me too well, love. </p><p>It didn’t take long to find a blog about the subject, skimming through it before abandoning the phone once again on the carpet. But before taking this knowledge into practice, Clay happily trailed kisses in the tender flesh inside Nick’s thighs, sucking hickeys until the man started to yelp of overstimulation, and using the distraction to go back to his shaft without his boyfriend trying to convince him otherwise. Working on his angle and making sure to breath out when going down did, in fact, wonders to suppress his gag reflex. Clay never thought he would be so turned on by the feeling of Nick deep inside his throat, but here he was, salivating like crazy and moaning around his dick while his boyfriend was chanting his name like a litany, hands gripping the sheets to hold back the temptation of grabbing blond hair. Soon, Clay got comfortable enough to pick up the rhythm, showering under the praises of Nick… until warm liquid suddenly flooded his pharynx, activating his swallowing reflex before he even had the time to think. </p><p>Once again, Nick tried to pull his head away in horror, realising what he had just done, but by the time he acted, it only made him shoot the rest of his seed into Clay’s mouth,  and even a little bit on his face. The taste was bitter, but diluted with all his saliva, it wasn’t that bad to be honest.</p><p>- Fuck, babe, I’m so sorry, I didn’t wanted to! It took me by surprise, I swear!</p><p>Clay immediately started wheezing as his boyfriend was looking at him like he just commited the worst offense of the world, when it wasn’t not that much of a big deal anyway. In fact, the blond was almost glowing with pride, knowing he looked like a mess with cum slowly running down his cheek, and strangely loving the idea of it. Driven by an impulse, he wiped the semen with his fingers before enevelopping them in his mouth, suppressing a wince under the stronger flavor to better suck on them with a sultry gaze for his poor shocked boyfriend, giving a wink for good measure.</p><p>- Just make sure you drink a lot of pineapple juice next time, and that’ll be okay for me.<br/>
- You…! </p><p>And like that, Nick pulled him into a hug and Clay nuzzled his face against his chest with a contented smile, both laughing like the two idiots that they were. It was just so easy to melt under Nick’s affection as he was back into kissing the top of his head, caressing his back and shoulders with such tenderness, his voice woven with relief, and joy, and some lingering worries that just needed a little bit more to dissipate.</p><p>- So you didn’t mind that…<br/>
- Not at all. It was kinda hot.<br/>
- Yeah, it was. But I gotta be honest, I’m never gonna understand how you can enjoy doing this.<br/>
- … So, uh, that means I’m not gonna get kisses on the lips after I blow you?</p><p>Now it was Nick’s turn to chuckle at the pitiful voice of his boyfriend, cupping his chin to make him look up into his dark eyes and see all the love that was emanating from them. </p><p>- Just pop a mint, and that’ll be okay. </p><p>It was stupid to tear up just for this, but Clay did it anyway because he was so lucky. So incredibly lucky. And as both ended up cuddling in bed even if it was still too early in the morning, whispering and giggling like teenagers, not once did he have a tough about George. Because this, right now, was so much more than everything he could have hoped.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Once again, I'm supposed to work, but I'm writing fanfiction instead... But the theme in this story were so important and personnal for me, so it was really difficult to get this out of my mind without wrtiting it as soon as possible. </p><p>First, I wanted to talk about the importance of a strong and loving parental figure. To show at least a good exemple for how to react when you're a parent and have one of your child coming out to you : respect their wish to stay in the closet if they doesn't feel confortable to go out to everybody else, but still show support by telling them that they are loved and safe with you, without getting overexcited or asking too much personnal questions. That doesn't mean Clay's mom is a perfect character, since she's still have difficulty to listen and is prone to interrupt her son frequently... but I think it's important to show that even a flawed person can still overcome their nature when needed, because that's the personnal battle of everyone in their life.</p><p>The second theme so important to me was about jealousy and possessivity, since it's the plague of all romanticized abusing relationship. I just cannot tolerate these stupid confrontations, since I firmly believe that having interest for someone but never acting on it, and be honest about these attractions with our loved one, should never be seen as cheating, since one, you just can't control it anyway, and two, not once the trust between the two was broken or compromised.</p><p>And thirdly, I really wanted to depict a relationship when the romantic part is compatible, but not necesseraly the sexual part, and how it can still be an incredible experience when you both discuss what make you confortable, what you're ready to experiment, and what are your limits. This touch me on a personnal level, since I'm a trans gay man in a relationship with a cis straight-panromantic husband, and we would have never married and be so happy togheter if it wasn't for these discussions in the past six years of our relationship (and I'm pretty sure there would be more of them in the years to come, since sexuality can be a changing spectrum).</p><p>So yeah, hoped you enjoyed that little story, and don't hesitate to leave your comments, it's always a pleasure!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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